Desi Roger Ebert

No, no I am not talking about Shawn Michaels. Rather these rules that shall govern all relationships are provided by the hilariously funny (wait is that a correct phrase) comedy The Heartbreak Kid.

Ben Stiller comedies are usually very predictable and barring the occasional laugh here and there not really funny. THK breaks the mould though and without resorting to slaptstick jokes manages to be funny and pacy throughout.

Oh yeah the ten commadments. To be followed before you jump the gun and marry a chick.

1. Thou shalt knoweth her mother. After all the genes are going to decide how your wife looks 20 years from now
2. Thou shalt knoweth all her sickness and allergies. Who knows she might be allergic to professional wrestling or worse sports
3. Thou shalt knoweth if she is a full time karaoke singer singing along to every sound of music that passes you by
4. In order of importance this shalt rank right up there. Bed manners. Thou shalt knoweth if she has the capacity to tire you out within the first 5 minutes.In your face all you purity ring holders. Side note to myself : jackhammer check, pile driver check but what in the blue hell is a swedish helicopter move
5. Thou shalt knoweth of any and all piercings
6. Thou shalt knoweth of your to-be-wife’s source of income and not just her job
7. Thou shalt knoweth of any debts she might be bringing along
8. Thou shalt knoweth of any blow problems (and I mean cocaine only here but I think Moss might have meant more here)
9. Thou shalt knoweth of all ex-boyfriends and their activities
10. Thou shalt knoweth her IQ level (putting mineral oil in Mexican sun, come on how dumb can you get)

Follow these 10 commandments of MOSS and you will never go wrong in life. And if you are not a big fan of my blog you can go watch the movie itself. You might just find it a tiny winy bit more interesting. And yeah, lest I forget, do watch till the end of the credits.

The heartbreak kid

Rating : They’ve got something here

Genre : Romance, Comedy

Go watch it for : A good time

Go watch it with : Your partner, friends or when u are feeling lonely

How can you stay in Idaho and not watch My Own Private Idaho. Ever heard that? Well one I lived in Idaho only for 12 weeks or so and secondly Idaho shouldn’t be the reason you want to watch this work from Gus Van Sant, the guy who brought us the movie which probably should have won the Oscar in 2009 Milk.
I must start with a confession though. I am very uncomfortable watching movies with homos and all. Watching brokeback mountain (in French) and that too with a chick I was trying to ask out was clearly one of the most  awkward 2 hours. Thankfully the movie was good enough for the time to pass by quickly. This “homophobia” has probably to do with me being Indian.

Anywho, the movie starts with one of the most impressive opening scenes with Mike (river phoenix) having hallucinations as he stands in the middle of an empty road. In terms of impact, the orgasm portrayed by a house falling from the sky onto the ground,  few scenes would surpass it. Mike and Scott (Keanu Reeves) are gay street hustlers as they land up in Portland afer Mike has another of his narcoleptic episodes

Scott is revelaed to be in line for a big inheritance from his parents when he turns 21, subject to his being a “good son”. His father is the mayor who thinks his son’s wayward ways is God’s way of punishing him.

The movie though shot brilliantly loses much of its steam in the first 40 minutes so much that I didnt want to come out of this self imposed blogging exile. But I guess this is going to serve as preparation for my new job. Times when you dont like them, times when you do but when there is a job to do, you better get ur hands dirty
Scott and Mike leave for Idaho to meet Mike’s older brother Richard in a quest to resolve Mike’s narcoleptic visions about his mother. Richard reveals himself to be Mike’s real father (Joseph Fritzl, where art thou) and then Scott and Mike leave for Rome in search of his mother.

Some great evening shots of Rome are followed by the revelation that she doesnt live in Rome anymore. In her place they meet this Italian girl Carmella who hooks up with Scott much to the envy of Mike (who is shown as having romantic feelings towards Scott from the beginning)
Scott and Carmella leave for States leaving Mike behind to continue his work as a gay hustler. But another narcoleptic lapse later, he finds himself back in Portland where Scott has overcome his past, disowned their former mentor Bob who dies soon after.

As the funerals for Bob and Scott’s father take place temporally and spatially simultaneously, in contrasting conditions though the scene cuts back to Idaho where a passed out Mike is picked up by a driver and the final image is that of the house which had crashed in the beginning.
I hate the very thing about this movie which other critics rave about- There is hardly a central thread running through which can bind the movie. Gus does a wonderful job with the cinematography and scene set up but scenes individually dont make a movie click. The only saving grace is the fine performances delivered by all and sundry. Specially from someone who was coming of Bill and Ted adventures.

The plot has evidently been borrowed from Henry IV. I say what plot. The characters are flat and the dialogue lifeless. It’s a visual treat. Just mute the volume, skip the gay scenes and sit back and enjoy some spectacular scenes

My own private idaho

Genre : Beats me

Rating : Yawnnnn

Go see it for : Why Idaho is one of the most beautiful wonders hidden in the middle of nowhere.

Go see it with : Your gay partner

Hard, it is these days, to find a movie which compels you to slog away on the keyboard. I was really skeptical of watching “In Bruges” which had been lying on my laptop for quite some time. Never been a big fan of movies about cities since they tend to be a tourist brochure of the city more often than not. I have always felt that a good city movie is one which uses the city as a sub plot because it lends both credibility and pace to the movie. Otherwise such movies just drag along.

In Bruges the debutant director, Martin McDonagh, brings his theatrical expertise to the fore and does what every director should be doing – telling a story through this medium and telling it beautifully. In Bruges starts off as two hitmen have been bundled off to the nondescript town Bruges in Belgium (it was on my itinerary, so don’t know how nondescript it really is).

The initial part where one of the hitmen, Ken keeps on riveting about the town and Ray (Colin Farrell in a stupendous performance) keeps on describing the town as a shithole is a bit sluggish but the pace picks up in the middle of first half and keeps on accelerating right up to the climatic end.

The best part is Ray’s interaction with the dwarf Jimmy. Again I have to mention the acting because it really keeps the film together. There is also this subtle back humor which is actually a character in itself. And at no times is it the slapstick humor which seems to be the order of the day these days in Hollywood, nor is it British black humor which is funny to exactly 219 people in the world.

The climax takes you through the breathtaking scenes in Bruges and so aptly the bell tower in Bruges forms the backdrop for this scene. It really has been a long time since I enjoyed a movie so much. There is almost everything you look for in a movie- good cinematography, nice locations, romance, action et al. It doesn’t go overboard on Belgian waffles, beer or Tintin for that matter. There are jokes planted on the Belgian film industry as well.

You like your Belgian beer and waffles, go watch this movie. You don’t, still go watch the movie. It is that good.

Rating : A gem

Genre: Action, Crime

In Bruges

Remember watching the Bicycle Thief. How the sheer helplessness of the protagonist (and his family) kept us glued to the screen. I have been trying to find another film which binds you emotionally from start to the end. I had heard only good stuff about the Indian movie, The Blue Umbrella but I was afraid it is going to be a rip-off of the bicycle thief and could never muster enough courage to give it a shot (Unfortunately, i have very low expectations from Bollywood). But when I heard about this Iranian movie, Children of Heaven, I had this urge to explore it considering the reputation Iranian filmmakers carry with them. A French connection means that unlike Bollywood most of their movies have a story to convey.

Children movies (and by which I don’t mean Disney likes) are a rarity. Maasoom and Bridge to Terabithia are two examples which stand out.I have always been at a loss to understand that with emotional bonding that can be conveyed through the story of children, why don’t we get to see more of such stories. Aamir Khan probably could understand my point and made Taare Zameen Par( which frankly wasn’t the best movie even of 2007) but that, if anything, strengthens my point. The trick to a successful movie is attachment and empathy with the main characters and the story. Granted that sometimes, we resort to cinema to take a break from the drudgeries of life, but the stories that linger on are those which we can connect with.

With a simple story which addresses a multitude of issues and a realistic background, Children of Heaven is one of the most touching stories to have been screened. Ever. It starts as a simple story of a boy who misplaces (loses) the shoes of his sister. The sister and brother Ali, knowing that their parents can’t afford a new pair of shoes plan to stay out of trouble by sharing their shoes and keeping it a secret from everyone else. Of course this lands them in trouble time and again since both of them need to be on time from their respective schools (which have complementary timings). Of course there are twists and turns for eg. the sister discovers who has her pair of shoes but finds out that her father is blind, so lets it go. And then there is the subplot where the father who is looking for a gardening job lands up at a place inhabited by a kid and his grandfather. The kid is lonely and looking for some friends and tries to find one in Ali.

The climax is in the form of a race where the third prize is a pair of sneakers (Reminded of some old Anil kapoor movie where the product of desire, a bicycle was a runners up prize in a wrestling bout). The race, which is beautifully captured on camera and orchestrated is won by Ali and he comes home dejected to his sister. Though in a scene just before that they show their father on his way home with two new pairs of shoes. However we never get to see the joyful faces of the children getting it. Instead the director gives us a gem of an ending. As Ali faces his sister empty handed (the first prize was a 2 week vacation for him), he takes off his torn shoes and we get to see his swollen feet. He places his feet in a pool of water where (with a joyous music background) the fish come and stick to his feet, signifying ( atleast in my opinion) the end of miseries for the family.

Now where do I start praising this movie. Right from the first scene, where they show the cobbler repairing the girl’s shoes, the movie grips you and never lets go of you. The small alleys of Teheran (I presume) with small puddles of water in the middle form the backdrop for the movie. But the real stars have to be the child actors. You thought Darsheel had shone in Taare Zameen Par, wait till you see the performance of this bunch. It was almost as if the movie was being filmed secretly, and the kids could bring out the entire range of emotions -the purity, the innocence, the naivety, the maturity. Every small detail fitted them to the tee. Whether it be facial expressions, body posturing or dialogue delivery. It was hard to imagine this being a scripted movie.

The longing looks of the sister/brother pair when they see a pair of shoes in a television or a window showcase conveys it all. I was particularly impressed by the scene where the girl drops the sneaker into a flowing gutter by mistake. The helplessness on her face was so evident and it made me want to help her. Now that is what I call emotional attachment.

Another beautiful aspect of this movie is when it shows the contrast between the rich and the poor when Ali travels to the uptown part of the city or when he sees the rich kids in their bright tracksuits at the start of the race. The look on his face almost makes you feel guilty for being rich and am sure would melt the coldest of hearts. But the other side of the coin is well represented too by the longing for a companion by the rich kid, which actually leads me to the only grouse about this movie. After building up this sub plot, they eliminated it entirely from the movie. But it does keep the movie taut and crisp. I have another big problem. After seeing this particular movie, it will be hard to judge other movies by this scale (maybe I should see Singh is King once more)

But in the end, the movie is all about the extent to which a brother is willing to sacrifice for his sister and vice versa. It almost (and I emphasize the word almost, dear sis if you are reading) makes me want to stop my bickering with my sister.

Ever wanted to see something that shall linger on in your heart for ever. Go rent this DVD now

Genre rama

Rating: It doesn’t get any better than this

Go watch it with: Anyone

Go watch it for : Everything

Children of Heaven

I have been MIA for quite some time now. This is not a reflection on my extent of movie watching (I’d have watched atleast 20 in the corresponding period) but after the flak I received for Rock On (I still stick by it, the movie sucked balls) I have decided to review only those movies which evoke extreme emotions only. No bland movies ( so no more Rock On, ok I have to stop this rant.)

Paul Newman was one of the greatest on the silver screen I have ever come across. And not just as an actor but as a director, entrepreneur and God knows what else. The Sting remains one of my all time favorites ( I will always hold a grudge against Hustle for having ruined the plot for me). His performance in Cool Hand Luke is unparalleled. BCASK was one of the movies I always wanted to see. And after his death, I couldn’t think of a better way to pay homage to this legend.

It starts as a neo-noirish Western but then it shows its beautiful face. A comic western (well not quite Blazing saddles) with the kind of humor which Paul Newman (later along with Robert Redford who as the Sundance kid gives a dazzling performance) became famous for . Sample this -” Why did you close down th e bank. It was beautiful” ” Well people just kept on robbing it” “Beautiful indeed”

Butch fights off a leadership tussle within his own gang ( in which he bets against himself, talk about hedging risks, if only the Wall St. smart kids would have taken this lesson) and then robs a train. He plans to rob the train on its way back (the ingenuity supplied by his rival ironically) as well. The ferocity and the fear evoked by Butch is shown as the marshal is unable to gather a posse to go after the gang.

The love interest of Sundance is pursued by Butch as well setting up a love triangle subplot (which incidentally turns out to be one of the weak points of the movie). The real tale begins when a posse hunts them after their second robbery attempt gone wrong. The chase showcases the picturesque scenery of the West without which the genre of western movies would be reduced to the an’n'als of RockOnites (sorry sorry this is the last time I mention Rock on Ever)

Well the story moves on to Bolivia where the three are involved in some of the most hilarious robbery scenes you will ever see on the 70 mm screen without being reduced to buffoonery. Their attempts to lead a straight life are thwarted by destiny which apparently wants them to stick to things they do best. And all this climaxes in the ever eternal scene where the scene is framed but you can still hear the sounds of the bullets whizzing around.

Paul Newman and Robert Redford are there in almost every single shot of the movie. Initially there had been some controversy over the title of the movie. Actors couldn’t agree on which character should get the more prominent role and this led to multiple changes in the cast. Even though Sundance Kid is in the latter part of the title, Redford brings the role alive on his own. The movie would also catapult him to the stage of stardom. Redford, Newman and director George Roy Hill would later regroup for another classic – “The Sting”.

George deserves special mention for breaking the mould and trying to be innovative. The 2nd robbery scene (where the excess of dynamite blows up the entire carriage) is masterfully done. The allusion to lack of money somehow reminded of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. The journey from US to Bolivia is an exquisite masterpiece. Hill uses a montage of pictures with the background music reflecting the mood to represent this journey. The mere use of this instrument was a high point for me in the movie. Wonder why it is not used more often. It has a strong lingering after taste (oops the wine sessions have got to me). There is a dialogue free scene in which the song “Raindrops keep falling on my head” plays in the background. All you Bollywood aficionados would relate to this instantly but it was something of  a refreshing change in a Western. On another note, I have been hearing this song everywhere now. On the Simpsons, on Arrested Development. See extreme emotions indeed.

The humor is never over the top and seems to fit in seamlessly. But the movie meanders in the middle and the chase sequences begin to look repetitive. The tame end to the love triangle doesn’t help matters. But the movie more than redeems itself in the end. Tell you what. Just listen to the last dialogue in the movie and you will know how uber cool this movie was.

Newman, Just show this to St. Peters and your entrance to heaven is guaranteed. You deserve a place there.

Genre: Western, Humor

Rating: Gem

Watch it with: Your friends

Watch it for: A Jolly good time

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

There are certain movies which no matter, directed by whom, enacted by whichever cast turn out to be entertaining. For, it is the story which is carrying the entire movie on its shoulders. Barbarians at the gate is one such movie. No matter if you read the story in a novel (the movie is adapted from one) or on page3 of Financial Times (this kinda story deserves a place only on page 3) or in Reader’s digest it is bound to catch your attention.

Now the issue behind this movie was actually given to me as a case study in my MBA class. And let me put it this way the event went on to change Wall street landscape for ever ( much before sub prime became part of our vocabulary).

I dont have much to say about the movie. It is well, how do I put this, OKish. No standout performances, no new filming techniques. The script is crisp and sweet so you don’t lose the grip of the plot. There are a few gem of dialogues thrown in (Ballpark anyone?) which somehow didnt make it to the top 100 quotes list.

Go watch this movie only if you are too lazy to solve a case study and don’t care about your marks only about your knowledge.

Go watch it with: your MBA class

Go watch it for : a business lesson

Rating; Yawwnnnnnnnn

Genre: Drama, Business

Barbarians at the gate

If you remember my first post I had mentioned how I would try and steer clear of Bollywood movies. Going by the count, all my readers ( yeah all 3 of you) would have come to realize how good I must be at keeping my New Year resolutions. Partly this has been due to some really good sensible movies coming out of Bollywood this year (No, Rock On, you don’t count)

A Wednesday is by far the best among all these. A minimalistic budget effort is always an attraction to me ever since the days of Hitchcock. The real essence of the movie is and will always be the story with special effects being merely an added attraction. Of course a perfect mixture of the two makes for an entertaining great movie a la The Dark Knight.

Where Wednesday lacks in technical finesse and big fireworks, it makes up by providing a heart to the story. The trouble would have been attracting the crowds to the theaters but i guess they took care of that by bringing together two stalwarts of Indian Cinema- Anupam Kher and Nasser ud din Shah. Together is well actually the wrong term to use for these two golden age baddies of Indian cinema since they are seen together in the movie only in the last frame (except for split screens)

The movie follows a wednesday when the police station receives a bomb threat call and the terrorist (NS) makes clear his motives by leading the police to a bomb placed in their own backyard. Jimmy Shergill the eternal chocolate hero gives a stellar performance as a no-nonsense tough cop and he is ably backed by this other guy (Kamal Khan look alike) as an honest cop. It was refreshing to see JS carry out this non-stereotypical role with such grace.

The caller wants the release of 4 hardcore terrorists in order to divulge the information about the other bombs’ placement.And oh btw he has enough of technical expertise to outsmart the police (Indeed). The two cops are sent along with the terrorists ostensibly to hand them over to NS and their eventual freedom. Turns out NS actually wanted them killed for their roles in serial blasts in India.

See such a simple plot yet the movie has soul. and the soul is Naseeruddin Shah. It’s been ages since someone gave such an amazing performance in Bollywood history (maybe Amitabh in Black). In a script-backed role, he mixes all ranges of emotions perfectly. The monologue at the end is heart warming and has been delivered from heart.

Anupam Kher on the other hand is a big disappointment. To be fair, his role didn’t have too much maneuverability either. He delivers a bland performance. The 3-D effects are also cartoonish.

But one is given only a few reasons to complain. The ire of common man against the system has been done to death (Ghatak and numerous other movies being standout examples) but while the ire in these movies was motivated by individual grouses, the sheer helplessness of the common man in face of growing threats and the failure of the govt. to respond provides the backdrop for this movie.
Almost apologetic use of F words and abuses lends a common touch to the movie.The movie is kept short and terse and there are no songs for a change. A bit of humor (sometimes self-deprecating) is thrown in for good measure. The movie does use some cliched characters but in the larger picture one can forgive this.

Go watch this movie, any given day of the week and not just wednesday

watch it for : some disturbing questions, Naseerudin Shah

watch it with : Anyone

Genre: Crime, Drama

Rating: Gem

Wednesday

If you don’t want a R rating for your movie, you can use the F-word only once. You know what I say, I say fuck that.

After such a gem of a dialogue, be cool just whittles away. and you realize why John Travolta’s career is in a mess these days. The opening scene shows one character narrating an idea for a movie and then getting shot. The rest of the movie is all about how his idea actually comes to fruition. The basic essence of the movie is attempt after attempt on Travolta’s life.

There is a problem with this movie. It is so placid that it hardly evokes any emotions. Not even angry emotions. As a critic you just want this shit to get over and movies like these make you hate your job.

John poaches a singer from another manager and moves into the music industry (besides escaping the assassination attempts) to try and produce a record. Problem – the singer is still under contract with another gangster and John doesn’t have the money. So starts the old game of play one gangster against the other- blacks v/s russians. And organize a concert from Aerosmith and Steve Tyler to raise the money in the meanwhile.

The movie follows the downfall of each of these unscrupulous enemies of Chili who actually end up bumping each other off. The first half sucks and the second half sucks and blows at the same time (Never thought it is physically possible)

The movie makes fun of itself over the course For eg. Travolta laments about how was he ever made to accept a role in a sequel(Be cool is a sequel to Get Shorty). It needn’t have done this. All critics would have had a field day ripping this off. The movie doesn’t have its heart at the right place. Wait, it doesn’t even have a heart.

Uma Thurman is smoking hot. Dwayne Johnson should go back to the wrestling ring. Vaughn is hilarious in his role. The rest are all there and not yet there. Danny de vito who is also a prdoucer for the movie makes a cameo appearance. But the biggest loser from this movie has to be John Travolta. A similar role he reprised in Pulp fiction with such great elan has ZERO screen power in this movie.

The plot is horrendous to say the least. A few cheap laughs inserted here and there are good. The brother in law of sella (daboo) is seriously hilarious.

During the movie, John is asked who might be trying to kill him. He replies that he is in the music business, it could be anybody. Man, if I had a gun it would’ve definitely been me.

Genre: Crime, Comedy
Rating: Give me two hours of my life back

Go watch it with : A dead corpse

Go watch it for : A cure to insomnia

Be Cool

My first brush with a Woody Allen production was one of the most horrendous movies I’ve ever seen- Scoop about some journalism shit (God, even the mention of bringing back memories from that movie nauseates me). I had brushed my hands off Woody Allen for ever until I came across Annie Hall. People had been suggesting me to watch it since the time I’ve been bitching about Woody Allen but I was so afraid that they just might be right and I’ll have nothing to bitch about anymore. Unfortunately, I was right.
Ages since I saw a movie which touches you with all its subtlety and sincerity. As the movie starts with a short credits introduction against a black background and no music, you know the movie wants to break the mould. Alvy Singer (Allen) breaks into a long monologue about what life is meant to be. Listen to this “Two fat women at a restaurant are talking. Awww such bad deserts they have. and the other woman replies they serve it in so small portions as well.” Life with all its miseries and misadventures makes you yearn for more.

There is no suspense to the movie. You know you can sit back and enjoy the movie without biting your nails because the end is given out in the beginning itself. Alvy’s character is nervous and confused which is reflected in his opening monologue where he digresses from his original stream of thought . The movie then jumps back to a flashback into the childhood where the technical expertise of Allen actually appears for the first time. Witty and sensitive at the same time.

The plot is simple. Alvy and Annie fall in love and through their journey take us back into their lives. It is a coming of age love story handling some regular issues in a couple’s life. There are no larger than life villains ( come to think of it there are no villains and then again there are no larger than life characters at all). Life with its twists and turns is the real character in this script. Alvy could be your average Joe(Jew)

There is a lot of yacking in the movie. Infact amount of dialogue/running time could be amongst the highest for AH. The thing I want to talk about the most is the new techniques introduced by this movie. Allen has been known for being experimental and brave. See I can be appreciative as well( scoop still remains one of the worst movies ever). The actors often stare straight into the camera away from the other characters and address you directly. There is an abrupt transition from one scene to another whenever there is a change in the time frame. The subtitles are used sometimes to tell us what the characters are really thinking. Imaginative and powerful. people walking on the streets jump in to a) share their thoughts on the events going on b)tell us what is happening with the characters off screen. Animation is used in a scene which I am sure inspired Who framed Roger Rabbit . Split screens with concurrent dialogues about the same stuff is used as a medium to express two different opinions.

But the most interesting technique used was the one where the characters in a flashback go in their past and witness events from their past. In certain instances, they are accompanied by some of their friends well.This allows them to express their feelings from that era and what they were feeling or how they would have wanted to change that particular scene.

In one particular scene, Alvy and Annie stop in the middle of having sex to debate the Kennedy assassination( eerily close to real life). Another outstanding scene is when Alvy doesn’t want to have sex  with Annie and he thinks maybe it is because he doesn’t want to be a member of the club which is bad enough to take him in as a member. Witty and realistic dialogue is what we miss in the movies these days where everything has to be over the top.
Alvy as a stand up comedian uses his jokes to convey his feelings about life,relationships even politicians.
I can’t think of another movie where the humor was so subtle ( Johnny Depp in Pirates of Carri bean maybe) Woody seems to have lost the touch over the years though. Wait, I am not going to go on a tirade against Allen (atleast not on the day I’ve watched Annie Hall)

If you want something to keep on happening in a movie, don’t ever go in. This movie is much above that. It gives us a new version of the genre romantic comedy.

I leave you with this gem of two lines where Allen’s 6 year old classmates in a flashback tell what they are doing today

“I used to be a heroin addict. Now I am a methadone addict.”

” I am into leather” -6 year old girl

Genre: Comedy, Romance.

Rating : Gem

Go watch it with: your better half, an intellectual friend

Go watch it for: Wit,Humor, New cinematic techniques, learning what romance is all about, stop bitching about woody allen

Annie Hall